by Carl V Phillips
Following on the headline-producing success of recent scaremongering research on e-cigarettes, a flurry of new studies have been produced. A spokesman for the U.S. Fooling and Dramatizing Agency remarked, “we thought it was great when someone figured out that if you cook e-cigarette liquid up to welding temperatures that it produced lots of formaldehyde. So we thought, hey, we have billions of dollars to support that kind of research, so what else can we fund?” The answer was, indeed, impressive.
A new study out of the University of Minnesota revealed the deadly effect of e-cigarette liquid on rodents. They dropped 55-gallon drums of e-cigarette liquid on rats, from varying heights. The found that for even relatively modest heights — no greater than those found in ordinary houses that are home to chiiiildren — there was a nearly total fatality rate. They further reported extensive liver, kidney, heart, stomach, and trachea damage, concluding that the toxic effects of e-cigarette liquid on these organs should be specifically investigated.
A study of hazards from e-cigarette batteries from the University of Southern California found that if you leave a car packed full of e-cigarettes in the sun, it is consumed by fire in an average of 6 days (95% CI: 4.2-8) due to catastrophic battery failure. Commenting on the research design, the principal investigator explained the methodology: “FDA gave us millions of dollars and we had no idea what to do with it, so we responded to an email from China and ordered a container full of e-cigarettes. We still had too much money, so we just started buying used cars on Craigslist. And, well, one thing led to another.”
The American Heart Attack Association reported on the cardiac risk to children from e-cigarettes. Children of vapers were recruited under false pretenses and were told that Mommy was going to die a horrible death within weeks if she did not quit vaping. Subjects’ heart rate and blood pressure increased to dangerous levels.
A new study from UCSF reported the conclusion “these are bad! BAAAAD!! they will kill you!!!” When asked to clarify what data led to them to those conclusions, the researchers appeared to not understand the question.
In a related study from UCSF, researchers reported a high fatality rate from immersing babies in a bucket of e-cigarette liquid. When ask how such research could possibly be considered ethical, the research team replied “our IRB approved it“.
Penny A$$ociates apparently does not have such an accommodating IRB. Their study reported an apparent major health impact of large mods and battery systems, the impact coming after the device is launched from a slingshot at a target dummy. While only a clinical trial could resolve the exact level of health risk with certainty, the results were considered highly suggestive. Cigalikes, however, when launched from the slingshot, did not fly very effectively, and thus were judged to be less hazardous. That research was funded by manufacturers of cigalikes.
Researchers at Ohio State University — er, sorry, The Ohio State University — reported numerous tendon strains and related injuries in an in-patient clinical trial where elderly heavy smokers were deprived of their cigarettes but given empty tank systems, liquid, and instructions for use. A spokesman for the research team commented that perhaps the result would have been different if the hardware had not been screwed together with 35 pounds of torque, but it is important to not just consider best-case scenarios.
Researchers at the University of Vermont also reported an alarming finding. However, when reached for comment, they were all too busy smoking weed to provide any details. I will update if they ever get back to me.
The University of Texas reported that over 70% of teens said that they believed if they were going to indulge in some vice on Saturday night, puffing on an e-cigarette would be safer than snorting cocaine or having unprotected sex. Commented Professor Cheryl Pearish, “if kids start believing that taking trivial health risks is acceptable, it could threaten everything that public health is trying to accomplish.”
Oh, hell, why did I type 27 into that title. I am spent. Help me out, dear readers. We ought to be able to come up with 18 more. Here is a good list of target researchers.
[Update: Make no mistake, I am gratified and entertained by the enormous attention this post is getting. But go read the more serious analyses that appear elsewhere in this blog. I.e., go eat your vegetables — it is not all about dessert. Thank you. :-) ]
Ok, I had a terrible day on the OR. Thanks for making me laugh.
Research conducted by the Europan Commissariat found a risk of leaking from ecig tank systems, if they are struck repeatedly with a 30lb sledge hammer. The 60 million euro funding for the experiment was apparently “found under the cushions of a Maltese sofa”
Thanks for making me laugh (..and more than once) Carl!
New study — E-cigs: Oh, sure, it’s all fun & games ’til someone loses an eye (J. Ashton)
The New England Enquirer of Medicine tweeted that having white cats as pets causes 13 times the risk your child will suffer alien abduction compared to the risk of stranger abduction.
Dammit…I thought that was white OWLS. I’m screwed.
ROFL. Absolutely brilliant. Bravo!
The University of BanFundmecisco were awarded $200 million, over 5 years, to get the hang of epidemiology and study eliquids. The engineer of their newly acquired private jet, recently diagnosed with dementia, had heard on Twitter that nicotine is proven beneficial, he’d vaped all 5 gallons of bubblegum flavoured eliquid meant for the study and proclaimed himself cured. As they had four years 11 months of $$$ to go and he was merely an anecdote; invoking the precautionary principle in order to protect the public and future funding, he was immediately committed to the secure Altria Clinic in Virginia. After lots of therapy, he now spends his days dressed in a white coat, telling everyone he’s a physician, puffing on an ecig and eating his favourite cookies. On his way into the university, we caught up with a deeply tanned researcher who reported that it’s too early to tell, they just don’t know yet but, based on one study so far, it’s possible that eliquids may give occasional people serious delusions of grandeur and an addiction to bubblegum. However, a great deal more research, costing oodles of money over many years, will still be needed before they can possibly reach the desired outcome.
Glantzing at the commentaries to the news articles by the Conspiracy for Disinformation Circulation, Dr. Krieg concludes that all the anecdotes posted there are proof for the neurotoxic effects of vaping. Pee rreviewed by experts from the Pharmafia.
A rather large e-cig fell on my toe this morning. The impact could have bruised a small toe but instead the big ass toe saved the glass tank. ;)
When Satire < Reality…. Thanks for making me laugh Carl. But just wait until the UK's British Meddling Association get a hold of these ideas!
A recent paper by Prof. Gerard Hastings of Stirlng University has called for an immediate ban on all advertising of everything ever. The initial focus of the research was the impact of e cigarette advertising on the tiny minds of adolescents. Findings suggest the so pervasive is the power of e cigarette advertsing that it creates permenant chemical imbalances in the tiny underformed brains of the under twenties. The problem runs beyond just e cigarette advertising though. It transpires the e cigarette advertising is a gateway to all advertising, render adolescents addicted to every consumer product imaginable. The ban on advertising is necessary before we have a glut of three year olds buying everything causing global financial meltdown.
Researchers found that e-cig liquid can cause traumatic brain injury, after dumping 3 gallons of VG into a bathtub, then dancing a cha-cha naked in the tub.
I always wondered what FDA stood for. Thank you for informing me that it is Fooling and Dramatizing Agency, and thank you for a totally informative blog. Made for very interesting reading.
The Chief Medical Officer of the United Kingdom has spoken out about an unpublished study which purports to demonstrate an association between the structural integrity of the vertebral column and smoking cessation outcomes. Speaking at annual conference of Public Health England, Dame Sally Davies said: “It is scientific fact. There’s no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact”
Dear Mr Kershaw. I found your comment fantastic! Are you aware that what you wrote is exactly what the entire Public Health Collective says about snus in Sweden?
“Snus (Low Nitrosamine Smokeless Tobacco) is a Public Health problem of very serious and worrying proportions. It is scientific fact. There’s no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact”
Environmental Harm Reduction, the case for public usage restricitions.
Recent research submitted to the journal Tobacco control has shown how the letters H, T and R can have devastating consequences for those sharing enclosed public spaces with said letters.
Professor Benjamin Gonaditch of the Made Up university explained
“we were conducting a meta analysis of studies regarding e cigarettes and other forms of tobacco harm reduction. It soon became very clear that just seeing these words or their abbreviated form was turning tobacco control researchers into total fuckwits”;
It would appear that the letters have a degenerative effect on the mental capacity of tobacco control researchers, and further, that this, via mechanisms as yet not understood, can transform into a virus. .
Doctor Arthur Trumpet of the Institute for Professional Fibbing said
“It is clearly communicable, many tobacco control activists, upon seeing papers from infected researchers, turn into credulous twats”.
We approached UCSF Professor Stampedon Pants for comment, he was unavailable because he was licking the windows of a Sunshine Variety Bus, trying to prove the effects of third hand THR in a bus that no one had smoked in since 1997. We guess he would have said
“It is al to do with the fact that the letters emit teeny tiny, itsy bitsy, yello polka dot particles, these are the worst kind because they come from dragons”
Professor Martin McDonalds Happy Meal ot the London School of Tropical Sun Tan Lotion said “In order to reduce the effects of THR, everyone should start smoking now”
Australian pop star and tobacco controller Simon “Charlie” Chapman has proposed a scheme to licence non smoking in order to protect TC researchers from the harms of THR. Basically you can only not smoke if you have a valid certificate from your Doctor. We approached Professor John Rashdownthere for comment on the validity of the scheme, he told is to “Fuck Off” and threw a gin bottle at me.
hahah love it and in other news public health heroes announce flavour companies won’t put their asses on the legal chopping block by stating that flavours are 150% safe to inhale so that can only mean one thing. that inhaling highly diluted flavours may induce an ebola like disease, but we just don’t know, we just don’t know so much that we can safely say that is more likely to induce an ebola like condition if we totally knew everything therefore allowing us to confirm from long term studies that e-cigs were in fact 99.99% ebola free.
A recent study funded by one of the aforementioned Alphabet organizations, the NYC Department of Sanitation training facility found that if you removed a human heart from the body and immersed it in approximately 750 of E-Liquid, the heart stopped beating causing degradation of arterial blood flow in the body that the heart was removed from.
The study is currently under peer review and expected to be published in 3Q2015.
Please don’t tell anyone.
SSHHhhhh… Someone will want to vape that…
University of Bath, UK has produced research proving that all flavours in ENDS are contaminated with “Bobblegom” flavouring secretly added by The Evil Nick O’Teen in order to attract the chiiiildren. The researchers are currently trying to contact Clark Kent in order to catch the supervillain, and can be found jabbing themselves in the eye with rubber cigalikes in the staff canteen.
Researchers at a community college for the deaf concluded that 100% of the subject could not hear anything after just one puff from a electronic cigarette.
A new multi-million dollar study led by Ruth Malone at UCSF has shown that higher taxes on cigarettes and tobacco products could reduce smoking rates to zero in less than a year. The in depth study involved researchers phoning 50,000 numbers from the phone book and asking them “if a pack of cigarettes was $x – would you buy them”. The researchers conclude that smoking rates would drop to zero if taxes were raised to between 10 and 20 thousand dollars a pack, with similar rates on e-cigarettes and other alternative products. They further recommend the Government uses the money saved on smoking related health costs to invest $20 billion in a counter tobacco force to prevent smuggling of tobacco products.
Professor Stephen Hawking (the Oscar-winning actor) has today produced calculations showing that disposal of e-cigarette cartridges into a supermassive black hole can expose the user to a lethal burst of x-rays (p<0.001).
In further news, Tobacco Control Journal editor, Ruth “Bugsy” Malone, has refused to comment on the outburst if ecig stories detailed above, stating she “would rather wait until a well known public figure dies.” She continued “tobacco control is no fun unless You Can piss on the memory of the recently deceased”
Behavioural psychologists working for the Department of Defense today warned that its drone optics were unable to distinguish between certain 2nd generation e-cigarette devices and shoulder-mounted surface to air missiles and therefore that users, especially in desert areas, were at risk of “engagement with lethal kinetic force”. A spokesman added: “we have the same problem with some of the larger tanks. At Mach 2 and 10,000 feet, to us they look like, um, tanks.”
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A study at the “Kim Il Sung Center For Public Health Research And The Study Of Heaven and Earth” in Pyongyang, DPRK found that e-cigarettes filled with a sarin/propylene glycol mix killed 100% of volunteer smokers. E-cigarettes filled with tobacco flavoured e-liquid with a small amount (<1mg) of Polonium 210 added also killed 100% of volunteers. All volunteers given regular cigarettes and varenicline did not die during the period of the study.
Welcoming the study, Margaret Chan of the World Health Organisation stated "This adds to the growing body of evidence that e-cigarettes are not a safe alternative to smoking. We recommend that people use approved medicines to quit smoking, a variety of which are made by our sponsors."
Commenting on the importance and implications of the increasing research (and also having excess funds to spend), The American Canker Sorority’s lobbying arm Canker Attack Network, stated “Everything has been shown to be linked to Cankers, we will fight to the bitter end for legislation to eradicate Cankers from the face of the earth. Our immediate concern is that the 55 gallon drums used had previously been stored in a tobacco warehouse, thereby making them and the nicotine in effect tobacco products. And everyone agrees that tobacco causes Cankers, especially in unconceived children.”
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great writing and great comments! thank you, I needed that!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
The University of Kentucky has announced in a Post-It note stuck on the Department of Tobacco Confusion bulletin board that the number of poisonings of children by “evil-sounding nicotine-laced liquid used in e-cigarettes” has skyrocketed, from 0 in 2010 to 1 in 2011 to 0 in 2012 to 2 in 2013 to 3 in 2014. These figures, the Post-It note states, are based on calls to the National Poison Control Center. When asked if the calls reflected actual poisonings requiring medical attention or were simply inquiries by parents who worried a child had wandered into a room where bottles of e-liquid were kept, Ellen Hahn, principal author of the Post-It note, said, “We didn’t ask. We don’t really care; it’s the number of calls that are important, not whether a child was actually harmed.” She added parenthetically, “We feel sure the lack of calls in 2012 is a statistical anomaly; probably the NPCC phone line was busy with parents calling about actual poisonings from those new laundry detergent pods.” Hahm winked prettily. “As if that’s important,” she added with a laugh.
The Post-It note concludes: “This 300% increase in phone calls is an alarming development and we conclude there is need to immediately ban all e-cigarettes, worldwide. We just don’t know; it’s the Wild West out there. Terrible hypothetical things could happen if we don’t ban them. It’s for the children.”
# # #
Reblogged this on debbyevapes and commented:
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Given a heafty sum of money to study the side effects of using e-cigarettes, rather than bother to ask anyone who actually uses the products, researcher Pru Talbot trolled the internet forums and chat rooms and collected every random story she could find…oh, wait..that one is true.
Much needed grins on this end. Thanks for ALL you do!
One suggestion though. I came to this from an entry on my Google now feed which had no summary. Having read the article and found it funny I’m cool, but I worry that other people will simply read the article title, not read the article itself and just conclude that “they knew there would be something wrong with them”, a note in the title to indicate that this is a humourous post could be a good idea.
Sorry, but if you are hoping for a solution to ignorance and naivety, I can only make my modest contribution if people read what I write, not just my titles.
I dropped my mod on my foot once and bruised my toe. That leads me to conclude that vaping is hazardous to bipedal mammals.
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The American Consumerist Organization, (ACO), has reported an alarming drop in sales of tobacco related items as consumers move away from cigarettes to e Cigarettes. ABC Lighter Company has seen a 50% drop in sales directly related to vaping and have joined the fight to get vapers to move back to smoking by mocking and making faces at anyone seen blowing clouds. “Vaper No Have Fire!” they exclaim as they dance around a lighter ignited blaze beating their chests.
The ACO has produced a study linking vaping with the inability to light a passerby’s cigarette and predict that vaping may in actuality cause back yard barbeque and beach side bonfires to be a relic of the past since vapers have no way to ignite them.
“It’s all about the consumer being able to commit arson easily and effectively at a moments notice and vaping just takes that ability away as they fruitlessly seek among their vaping friends for a source of ignition.. witch burning is becoming a thing of the past and setting fire to random objects just to watch them leap into an uncontrollable flame is becoming rarer each day”
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Researcher Dr. Ontha Take has a proposal for a study to determine the amount of new electronic cigarettes that should be required. He stated “We just don’t know how many more studies are needed however it is quite obvious well funded long term studies would be likely”.
Do you know what you are doing by posting this false information? You are promoting a potentially deadly product. Which, when harm by these products is proven, is racketeering. Ever heard of it? Obviously not. Big tobacco does it all the time. But they also have the money to win court battles against the government for blatantly killing people through marketing of false information like this. All of you “Vaping advocates” think you are a God send. Well you’re not. You’re engaging in highly illegal activity in a field you know nothing about. You think you do because it helped you “quit” but did it really? No. You’re still addicted to nicotine. And so you’re still Big Tobaccos puppet. They designed these products to get a new generation addicted to nicotine and to readdict their current users. All of those front groups you’re working for and representing are funded by big tobacco. Look into it. Also the research you’re putting down is not funded by big tobacco and is trying to do the real fighting against big tobacco. Look into it. So cease your racketeering practices before you are taken to court.
A lot of the contributed new entries to the post are LOL funny (thanks for all those — we are well past the target 27). But this is definitely up there with the best of them. I genuinely cannot figure out whether the author is running with the ambiguous satire theme (I did not think it was at all ambiguous when I wrote it, but apparently it was — I got correspondence suggesting that people thought it was real new alarming information) or if he is serious and just happened to post this on a satire post because of his delightful cluelessness. Either way, it is really funny, so thanks.
You win by miles. You have truly captured the ranting delusional, holier than thou, essence of the Tobacco control activist. There Will be a meeting of public health satirists to which i would like to invite you. C U Next Tuesday.
Congratulations! As the contest winner, you are awarded a lucrative research grant!!
Where do we send the check? Universitad Cauliflower, San Fernando?
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Speaking of research. This is the fruitloop of them all as of late. http://yhoo.it/1L4MlBK
How come no one ever mentions the side effects of vaping that are beneficial?? I manage/work a small farm…….the extra feet I have now are really great for when I get pushed off balance and start to fall. The extra fingers(3 actually) on my left hand has add a whole new dimension to my guitar playing.
A new study scrawled on a bathroom stall wall within a building blocks away from a major university proves through documented creative conjecture that fly-by-night shops full of enticing seasonal clothing geared towards children are actually unregulated vape shops selling mega-vaporizers designed to atomize gallons of vaporizing liquid in a few-hour communal vaping session,
“With those racks of colorful clothing and seasonal knick-knacks they have proven a gateway into hart-core E-cigarette use my selling enormous box mods designed for hard-core vaping,” warned Stunted Glans, a mechanical engineer who also is a professor of intellectual dysentery and a self-professed Phd in being a BMF against Big Tobacco. “We cannot allow such extreme vapor box mods which further serve to normalize smoking. To dress this up with child-appealing colorful costumes on sale within the same premises means that we will also need to crackdown on such establishments by enforcing plain costuming sales.”
When corrected that he’s focusing upon stage foggers sold at Halloween-season retail establishments and that costumes are available to all of the public within these establishments he offered this clarification:
“Nicotine? Halloween? You know what we mean. Same thing. Children’n’at, kiddie-killing cancer boy.”
The vaping community was consulted regarding this disturbing development. However, a coherent response was not able to be transcribed due to profuse laughter, shortness of breath due to laughter and chest muscle pains from the exertion of the aforementioned laughter from the interviewees.
— Mark B.
A followup study published way past Uranus reveals that “vaping” leads to respiratory inefficiency and chest muscle pains and temporary diaphragm distress among E-cigarette users, reports late-breaking news within the last couple minutes of breaking news of seasonal costume shops selling massive “box mod” E-liquid vaporizers.
Noted Phd BMF, professor of intellectual dysentery and mechanical engineer Stunted Glans, follows up: “This proves the gateway effect of how E-cigarettes cause harm to the human body.”
When corrected that the vapers who were consulted a few minutes ago merely sustained their temporary injuries simply from laughing too hard from the nonsensical conclusion of the study, Glans responded:
“They brought it upon themselves but we need to also protect themselves from hurting themselves and the children. And if we need to protect the public through the enforcement of plain humor, so be it. For the children.”
Glans added, “And why do you need to protect Big Tobacco as it does an end-run in producing devices deigned to produce huge volumes of smoke? The harm is now proven and we must act now!”
The vaping community was unable to respond due to increased convulsed paroxysms of laughter as well as random falling down to prone positions in order to recover. No fatalities have been reported at this time.
— Mark B.
Thanks. We could use a bit fun in these cloudy days surrounding our business. It’s hard to believe that a product as electronic cigarettes are handled. Saving lives is absolutely not a priority for our beloved leaders.
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